Dark Well of Himself
As I sense God pulling me into solitude with Him, i am resisting and reaching for distractions that are not Him. It’s not because i don’t desire closeness or welcome it. I’m unsure. When He draws me into the dark well of Himself, i fight that darkness. I know there will be pain, the uncertainty of the unknown, and revealed mysteries of Himself. The temptation to trust what i can see and what is known is strong. I love my Lord, and He knows that i do. I surrender to Him with every fiber of my being. I just need a moment to catch my breath and soak in the last chapter of His teaching. Dry my tears, breathe out, then give it another go.
What i can see with my eyes is more solid than the abstract of a Dark God that i cannot see. But is it? Do my eyes deceive me? Will God ever deceive me? It is more my ideas of Him that deceive me. I’m the deceiver and not God. When others deceive me, it’s not God that did. It’s them. It’s not the God in them that did it either. It’s their deception to themselves that deceived me.
The root of deception is not evil but the lack of trust and faith. I deceive you by not being my true self, and i’m not my true self because i don’t trust that you will love me as i am. I deceive myself of my own identity, and i deceive you. It is only God that i cannot deceive because He sees through my soul. It is when i can see my soul do i genuinely see Him and my true self.
God’s call is a call into the depths of myself within my soul to learn something new about me and, in the process, uncover a mystery of Him. Mysteriously that call is very vague, unseen, too unpredictable, and i feel unsure. It’s easier to head toward relationships that i know are predictable, even if it’s unhealthy, incomplete, or even immoral. It is safer, but not really. It drains my soul and takes me far from God, if not spiritually center on God.
My relationship with God and spiritual friends over the years through prayer and perseverance through hardship have been confirmation of His faithfulness. Yet, it’s still scary every time that call comes back, and the cycle renews itself in new depths. God’s unknown is too deep and too vague for my tiny being to comprehend, and i naturally want to pull away. If i already pledge myself as His bride, does that make me an adulterer when the Bridegroom calls and i hesitate? I am supposed to be obedient. I shall be, but i’m human and scared.
God’s love is infinite, and His call into LOVE sincerely into Himself is new. It makes me afraid of what this new revelation of love will be. I fear His request for sacrifice. There is always a sacrifice. Sacredness does not come without sacrifice. The answer of obedience will always be my response, and i will always trust. I am still free to choose Him every time, and my observation always whispers, yes LORD be unto me according to thy will. As a great LOVER, He will always be patient and waiting for me to turn to Him. My choices are ready and willing or desperate and willing. Whatever my state will be, He is always there, ready to accept me, take me into Himself, and LOVE me into the depths of Him.
Image: Richard Edward Miller (1875-1943), Woman with Parasol.
**I intentionally made the i in this piece lowercase to experiment with a creative voice. I know it breaks the English language rules. I want this piece to read as God being great and i being small as he consumes me into Himself. Here’s an interesting article on the subject of a lower case i. https://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/03/magazine/03wwln-guestsafire-t.html