Awaiting Without Anticipation

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.” Romans 8: 28-29, New Kings James Version.

As today is the due date for my 6th baby, I want to share a few thoughts about my spiritual journey regarding mothering and child bearing. I have four healthy and happy children at home with one on the way. If you do the math, there are only five kids. It’s because my first child, Jacob, was stillborn at 32 weeks. There was no cause of death or answers to any “why”. It just was. A light that burned out before it was supposed to.

I have no anxiety over the fate of my current pregnancy and sixth child. I completely trust that everything is in God’s hands. He is all knowing of our fate together and individually. We are His children and He will take care of us. I need not worry. I need to wait, discern, pray and keep watch as that fate is revealed.

It’s easy to say but hardest to do. The waiting… It is the cause of our anxiety. It’s the gasoline that fuels the fire of fear and doubt. I’m still learning to calm this anxiety in other areas of my life. In child bearing, I’ve learned to calm that fear.

The lesson learned from my children is that they will guide me to what they need. I’ve relinquished my parental rights. These children were born of my womb with my genetic makeup, but they are not mine. They do not belong to me. They have a Father in heaven who determines their fate and I’m been entrusted to their care and charged to teach them of their Father and his Mercy. The generational divide that we have flattens into a brother and sister mindset in Christ. It doesn’t mean that I won’t reprimand them for being out of hand. It means that I don’t have control over their fate and need not exerting anxiety over their future. God will take care of them and me. 

This state of detachment from anxiety and need for control didn’t happen overnight. It’s been over 9 years of caring and growing children that I learned I cannot control them nor their fate. The journey still continues. I’ve wrestled with God over self loathing, despair and resentment before I found any peace through my faith. I’ve had to learn to trust and love God the way he intended and not the way I imagined love should exit.

I’ve been very fortunate to belong to a strong faithful community at my church, St. Matthews Newport. The community has been a great source of comfort and support through my journey. The individual people in this community cultivate a deep relationship with God and have taught me to do the same. 

Through my own life of prayer, I was able to reconcile with God and accept my role as His child. That role is very simple. Love God and have a relationship with Him. My kids will learn to do the same and the community will  be a great foundation for them. 

I hope you find my thoughts encouraging and hopeful. That if you are struggling with grief, anxiety or loneliness take courage and join a community of God centered people to seek prayer and worship. Remember that prayers don’t happen overnight. It takes years of commitment and faithfulness to arrive at any change in inner peace. With a strong community and faithful journey, I’ve been able to heal the deepest of wounds and the sorrowest of all sorrows. To come to a faithful anticipation for the life to come and the community and the joy that can be had in this life through the love of Jesus Christ our Lord.