Let's Have a Relationship
Let’s have a relationship
“The only true joy on earth is to escape from the prison of our own false self, and enter by love into union with the Life Who dwells and sings within the essence of every creature and in the core of our own souls. In His love we possess all things and enjoy fruition of them, finding Him in them all. And thus as we go about the world, everything we meet and everything we see and hear and touch, far from defiling, purifies us and plants in us something more of contemplation and of heaven.”
—Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation.
Four very loaded words full of commitment, potential, dread, joy, and sorrow. This November marked the anniversary of a profound relationship in my life. It was at this time in 2015 that I told God I wanted to have a relationship with Him. I wanted to know Him better and be close to Him. Like every other relationship in my life, I needed to invest a lot of time into it. I had to set aside time to get to know Him through prayer, reflection and contemplation.
I started with morning prayer from the Book of Common Prayer and progressed into centering prayer. It took effort to be with Him at first, to sit through the awkward first few times as we got to know each other. This relationship is very different than any other relationship I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s super awkward. He knows everything about me yet I have to tell Him everything about myself. He knows everything about me including the things that I don’t know and still need to discover.
As the relationship progressed, He revealed to me things He knows about me, both beautiful and ugly. He then gave me a choice. If I wanted to have a relationship with Him, I would have to work at it. I would have to know what I want and why I want it. He also gave me an ultimatum, if I want to be with Him, then I have to be His and all His, nothing less. He whispered into my Soul “I know you and I love you. I love your beauty and I need you to love your ugliness. Obey Me, honor Me, give Me your life and I will give you freedom.” The only choice is Him.
All the while, I had an enemy that told me I’m not good enough for such a great relationship. The enemy tried to keep me away from God and will try anything to keep me away from my True Love. He’ll send demons to put me down and try to distract me during my time with Him. They’ll tell me that I’m not good enough, nor worthy of His affection.
The demons showed me all of my past and failed relationships. The ugliness of them, the mistakes I made, the guilt, and shame I still felt. All the reasons why I don’t deserve a love as great as God’s. They told me that I’m bad. I’m bad for having misplaced desires. I’m bad for wanting things and people. I believed in all these lies. It was so painful to sit down and pray because those are the times when I can feel the flood of emotions and fear coming into my being. I would be able to numb my fears by keeping busy and make excuses for not having time for prayer and quiet contemplation. I wouldn’t have to face the shame.
One morning during my quiet centering prayer, I had a hard time focusing and noticed that all of my energy and effort was put towards pushing away my sinful thoughts. I stopped my meditation and engaged in destructive self talk of how I’m bad and that a good normal person do not have thought I’m having. I heard my inner self say, “HEY! God created you in His image, therefore you share in His beauty right?”
I replied, “ ....right…?”
“Ya know...your efforts of trying to push away your ‘ickiness’ isn’t working.”
“Yeah. But there is something wrong with me. A normal person shouldn’t feel this way. I’m not suppose to have these emotions. I’m not good enough to be loved by God. I need to fix this first before God will love me” I was very confused.
My inner self tried to clarity, “You can try to control your ickiness and shame yourself for it. Controlling your emotions is obviously not working. Shaming yourself just make things harder on you. Why don’t you try a new approach.”
I finally start to understand, “So you’re saying, instead of trying to push my ickiness away, I should embrace it as part of my brokenness? I’m broken and He knows that. He created me in His image so I’m beautiful because He is. What do I do with the rest of me?”
This was my “Aha moment”. I’ve been taught all my life that I’m made in God’s image. Only when I gave up looking for my perfect self did I find Him looking at me. When I realized that I don’t have to be perfect for Him, did I see that He wanted me as I am. I don’t need to fix the broken parts of me before I can go to Him. I need to give Him all of myself, the broken and good pieces, and He’ll show me how to use them for His glory. I learned to humble myself before Him and realized that I can’t live this life alone. I needed His grace, mercy, and love.
He slowly showed me how to enter into His perfect love. How to use His creation of myself and how to use myself to glorify His creation. He showed me the beauty of His creatures and how I’m part of that beauty. I’m learning to be His bride, how to please Him, how to live in His house and under His rules. I know I can find peace and joy in His house and I’m grateful to be blessed with a room.
“My Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.”
John 14:2
Image: Thomas Wilmer Dewing. Spring. 1890. Smithsonian American Art Museum. Washington D.C.