Finding Self Finding God

What are you most afraid of?

Snakes, clowns, spiders? Or maybe closeness or affection? If your thoughts didn’t end with yourself, there is still room for growth.

I am most afraid of myself and my destructive potential. My anger doesn’t funnel to people around me, but the most destructive activity I engage in, is negative self talk. I can say things to myself that I would never voice to any other human being. Most of the time I would do it to make myself feel better. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy, so I won’t be too disappointed when it does come true.

The words that have been said to me from a young age and I’ve adopted them for myself. “You are a worthless piece of sh*t that’ll amount to nothing”. I tried hard everyday to fight it, but there are days when it’s easier to give in. Days when I didn’t perform my best at work. When I snapped at my kids or argued with my husband. I used to be so nasty to myself. I don’t do it any more. Not for a very long time. Not ever again.

“It is not only our hatred of others that is dangerous but also and above all our hatred of ourselves: particularly that hatred of ourselves which is too deep and too powerful to be consciously faced. For it is this which makes us see our own evil in others and unable to see it in ourselves.”
Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation.

Through contemplative prayer I had to journey deep into the center of my being. Along the way I had to travel back in time and sat with people that had hurt me and helped me create this narrative I call “myself”. I’m not sure how I got there, but when I arrived I found a very simple “space”. It’s the only word I can find to describe the sensation.

I found myself in an empty white room. There was no color, nothing. There was nothing to describe the space because it was literally nothing. It was something I knew, more than felt. In that space, I knew there were people in there: me, my child self, and God.

My child self is fragile, yet content and at peace. This is the being that is at the receiving end of my destructive self talk. She was the one I beat up and called names. She is close to God in that space, closer that I was and could ever wish to be.

In that moment I knew. I met myself. I saw the being that was created by God. The being that was me. She is me, but she isn’t me. She is me and I can become her. She and I can be best friends. I knew that by being close to her I get to be close to God. Once I met her, I couldn’t continue to talk to myself the way I used to because I would be beating my child self.

The space revealed to me that my child self is closer to God than I realized—and she knows Him better than I do. I can be close to Him by knowing her and loving her. I need to care for her in a genuine way. She is with Him and I am with her. He loves her and I can too. She was created to be His perfect being. I will be her one day. Now when I look in the mirror, this broken being that I see looking back at me is a reflection of her, and I’ve learned to love this reflection as much as her.

There is a child self in all of us. When I’m able to love my child self I see and love other people’s child self. To look at you and see your child self, is to see the being closest to God. Holding His hand. Sitting on His lap and embracing Him. I can love you and your self as much as I love me and my self.

Have mercy on yourself. To give yourself permission to grieve your broken life and to forgive. Do take that journey into the depths of your souls and meet your child self. There lies within a beautiful inner child that you may have neglected or even beaten senseless. Get to know her and know her well. It’s the immortal part of yourself that only you can save with God’s love shining abundantly.

May He forgive us and our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And not lead us into temptation but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen

“Now when He was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, He answered them and said, ‘The kingdom of God does not come with observation; nor will they say, “See here!” or “See there!” For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.’”
Luke 17: 20-21

Image: John Henry Twachtman, Round Hill Road (1890-1900). Smithsonian American Art Museum and Portrait Gallery, Washington, D.C.