I Offer You My Love and Friendship

Friendship from The Four Loves by CS Lewis

Christ, who said to the disciples ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,’ can truly say to every group of Christian friends ‘you have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.’ The friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are no greater than the beauties of a thousand other men; by Friendship God opens our eyes to them. They are, like all beauties, derived from Him, and then, in a good Friendship, increased by Him through the Friendship itself, so that it is His instrument for creating as well as for revealing. At this feast it is He who has spread the board and it is He who has chosen the guests. It is He, we may dare to hope, who sometimes does, and always should preside. Let us not reckon without our Host.

When I was in second grade my mom sent me to school with an apple. Apples don’t grow in Vietnam so it was a once in a lifetime treat and the first apple I had in my life. I took it to school and shared it with my best friend, Nga. We each took turns biting that apple and as little hands exchange it mid air we missed and dropped it in the sand. I panicked, my mind raced for a solution to salvage my treasure.I can race it to the bathroom and hopefully get the all the sand off. Before I was able to finish my thought, the bell rang and we had to get in line for class.

I look back at that moment in time with some regret that I didn’t get to finish my apple mixed with sweet and tender memories of my friend. We were both odd ducks, poor, and not very clever or smart. We played with each other because no one else wanted to play with us. I often think about her, and when I do, I pray for her. I ask God to be merciful to her and pray that he has written her a rich and beautiful narrative. I pray that she found love and comfort in Him.

This memory sticks out to me because in that friendship I had something to offer. I had an apple. As an adult I’m still struggling to offer an apple to my friends. I’m fearful that I’m not enough. I’m not offering anything worthwhile in this relationship. Just being myself is not enough. It’s easy for me to see the image of Christ and the beauty of others but I have a hard time believing the image of Christ within me. It’s my own internal perception of value. That I’m not worthy of this friendship and this love from another person. I need to earn it. To love to share in itself is a good thing but to think myself lovable only through giving is the devil’s lie. It’s his way of cornering me to make me his pray.

I need constant prayer time with God and wait for the small voice that say “You are worthy.” God created us in His image and for Himself. He created us for each other and chose us for one another because our beauty show His creative glory. Our friendship amplifies the divine light within each up us. Our own light shines brighter when we are together than when we are apart.

During the times when I am most needy I go to Him. To gently lay my head on His bosom and wait for His divine embrace. That is when I’m most joyous and at peace. It is also a time when the longing in my heart feels like a it’s been pierced with a sharp object and is bleeding. It’s when pain and love exist in the same space and my deepest desire is to close my eyes and rest forever.  As T.S. Eliot said in The Four Quartets,

And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flames are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

Image: Carolyn Anderson. Girls at Play. Oil on Canvas