My assumption growing up was that saints have to be innocent. Completely naïve without ever committing a single sin. Even our modern-day perception of a “saintly” person comes with it many false perceptions. Like someone that never kissed anyone, doesn’t smoke or swear, and entirely frankly never lived life. This false perception caused a lot of anxiety in me when I did something wrong or came across a love scene on TV. It is hard for me to forgive myself when I feel that I know better than to sin. 

Knowing better and doing better are two completely different things. Doing better can only be achieved through Christ within us when I open myself up entirely to the love of God and love his will and his commandments. I came to face my self-centeredness, and my desire to be at the center of the universe revealed an emptiness where God no longer exists. I felt like I was by myself in the center of hell. 

In Dark Night of the Soul, St. John of the Cross talked about the dark night as a spiritual crisis where our sins race to the forefront of our minds. I don’t think St. John or any saint felt saintly when they were going through their dark night on their way to union with God. This road isn’t easy, and many give up because when we enter into God’s presence. Yet, his pureness shines so brightly that we cannot help but see our dark spots and imperfections.

We were not made perfect. Only HE is perfect. On my journey to HIM, i am aware of my imperfection, unworthiness, and wretchedness. Nevertheless, my existence depended upon Him, and i should perish without His mercy. In receiving mercy and revaluation of God’s all-powerful yet all caring love for me, i was glad of my smallness and trusted in His greatness. 

There is only peace when there is no longer a pull between my will and God’s will. When God’s will completely takes over and my choice obeys in surrender, I’m able to enjoy his creation without ever feeling shorted. The fall resulted from Eve believing in the devil’s lie that God is shorting her. “And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3: 4-5. God never shorted her. She wasn’t ready. She opened my eyes, and I’d rather have them shut again. 

I’d rather not see evil but only God’s goodness. I’d rather not have to choose this fake innocence but live a pure life. But, unfortunately, Eve was not yet ready for the full revealing of God’s greatness and her inheritance. Little did she know, and little do you know that God’s greatness is vast yet straightforward. Love Him and worship only Him. 

I’m ready to live a life restored to prejudgment. Wash my hands free from the knowledge of good and evil through Christ’s blood. I want my end now. I want knees that bow to God and face that look to Him with love and bends to the ground in worship of Him. “That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” Philippians 2:10-11.

I want the actual innocence and purity of being God’s child and living in the garden that he created to love and enjoy everything in it. I to care not who it belonged to as long as it belongs to my Father. Its purpose is life, just as my purpose is life.

The ruffling of the trees, the song of birds, and the carefree laugh of children; there’s greatness in there. The greatness that will last forever, the distinction for which we shall return. Your desires will be for Him only. If you don’t want it, you shall not inherit the kingdom. Pray for revealing that shall last forever through complete surrender. Pray for your freedom. Pray for sainthood because there is no in-between.

Image: Rossetti, Dante Gabriel. Lady Lilith. 1867.