My walk of faith has been to show up to the altar continually and beg for mercy. Many days showing up was exceedingly difficult. I was in so much pain and suffering that I would rather people not see. I would rather hide than be seen. It didn’t matter what I felt at the time; what mattered was my commitment to Christ. I sat there in the pew and didn’t feel anything: no transformation, no comfort, and no glory. I sat there, and GOD was quiet.

I love deeply, and I also loathe deeply. It’s an aspect of myself I’m not too proud to admit. Jesus can love a sinner. Why can’t I? I actually can. Just not right away. I owe it to myself and my spiritual growth to move slowly into the space of love. It takes time to get there. I can’t skip the lamentation and move into excitement and forgiveness right away. It would be a lie both to myself and the sinner that wronged me.

Faith requires me to own my feelings and invite God into my suffering from sin and purify me. To give me the strength to pick myself up and claim my innocence. Choose to remain blameless and tell the devil who oppresses me to go back to hell where he belongs. Then, when I claim my rightful place as a child of God born into the light, I am cleansed by His blood and bearing His mark on my soul. I am no longer vulnerable but claimed through my choice of the alliance. As my work friend freely reminds me, “Chau, GOD is on your side.” He is faithful indeed.  

Sin is the seed of all suffering, and Satan is the seed of all evil. Don’t be afraid to send him back to hell and claim your birthright as a Child of God. Just be aware that he won’t give up without a fight. You have God on your side so swear your alliance to GOD. Jesus many times cast out the devil from himself in the wilderness “Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.” Matthew 4:11. To Peter, “But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offense unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.” Matthew 16:23.  You can, too, with Christ as your savor who grants you His mercy, cast out the devil from you and choose to worship GOD, and it is HIM you serve. 

The openness of my heart to accept mercy and give mercy purifies my soul—denial and blame only cloud wisdom and forgiveness. I don’t have all the answers; I don’t need to. I don’t have to forgive; I choose to. To know good and evil is also to know joy and sorrow. So I choose to extend my hand at the altar and take from the tree of life, eat and live forever. Looking forward to the day I no longer know good and evil but only know the goodness of God.  

“And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:” Genesis 3:22

Image: Miller, Richard Edward. Woman reading in the garden. 1915