Forgetting our Freedom

The contemplative life requires a daily death of the self so that we may put on Jesus and take up His cross. I am very prone to forgetfulness and there are days when I forget who created me and what His purpose is for my life. Contemplative prayer is a daily reminder of that purpose. The routine helps remind my body, mind, and soul of that purpose, and the time with the Lord feeds my spirit the way coffee feeds my attention span.

The daily cross for me means the death of my own ambition and my vanity. My desires for success and accomplishment. Beating the “Id” inside of me that pursues accomplishments to prove that I am worthy. If I let myself run wild, I would clothe myself with pretty things to disguise my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. In my self-preserving state, I would mentally put pressure on myself to perform well and better than everyone else, get promoted, make more money, buy pretty things, and get ahead. I would feel secure, fulfilled and happy—so I thought. All I needed and wanted was love and acceptance. I can get that If I carve out the time to be with Him. He’ll give me all that I need and much more.

This attachment to the material world is the ball and chain that was put on my ankle since I was a baby. Like how the circus raises elephants by putting a rope on them when they are just babies and too weak to break free. They grow to accept the restraint and never try to break out of it, even when they grow into full-sized, adult elephants. I didn’t know I had the power to remove my chain until God revealed it to me. When I pray, it’s the active effort of removing that ball and chain and picking up the cross, as Jesus said, “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (Matt. 11:30).

Sometimes I’m not sure which is heavier and harder to carry. I just have to trust that the cross is the right choice. I won’t know until heaven is open to me but I do have the confirmation of joy and peace when I carry Jesus’ cross that I’ve made the right choice. God gives me the affirmation I need.

The prayer life is counterintuitive to my instincts of survival first and replaced with fulfillment of God’s love and presence first. If I listen to what He wants of me, go do it, and do a good job, then I will find myself. If I spend my time fulfilling my own needs and desires first I end up in a tailspin; like a dog chasing its own tail and never catching it. Accomplishing nothing but dizziness and nausea.

The days when I spend my earliest hours seeking His will I can live out my calling and duty like Jesus lived out his, abiding to his Father’s will. I can end my day at peace with myself, God, and man. I am free from pressure and anxiety knowing that God will feed, clothe, shelter, and nurture me tomorrow. The next day, God willing, the process starts all over again. 

Because we are forgetful creatures that require constant reminder of His love, grace, and presence. Contemplation frees our spirit from this narrative of the self and brings us into the bigger narrative that is God’s plan, which is bigger than our own story. As our role in His story, We can only free ourselves by seeking Him first and living in the light that can only exist through Him. 

Image: Edith Cockcroft, The Circus is in Town (1912). Hunter Museum of American Art, Chattanooga, Tennessee.